Celebrity Blurbs
Word. —Noah Webster
It’s all Greek to me. —Plato
Rich. —John D. Rockefeller
Pure genius. —Pablo Picasso
I’d sleep with him. —Madonna
Spell it out. P.I.M.P. —50 Cent
Yes. He can. —Barack Obama
A fool’s errand. —Sancho Panza
I don’t know where to begin. —God
A cult classic. —Harold and Maude
An internet sensation. —Larry Page
Not even I can resist this. —Gandhi
An American original. —Walt Disney
Where do I get the t-shirt? Che Guevera
This shit is so campy. —Freddie Mercury
Rocks hard for a book. —David Lee Roth
The place I go for self-help. —Tony Robbins
A hack is a hack is a hack. —Gertrude Stein
What a knucklehead. —Barry from The Bronx
Not bad as far as manifestos go. —Karl Marx
This one’s a dandy all right. —Beau Brummel
A cutting edge classic. —The Paradox Parade
Politically incorrect and proud of it. —Bill Maher
I’d paint his portrait, but I’m dead. —Rembrandt
Damn near knocked me off my camel. —St. Paul
This is sure to be controversial. —D.H. Lawrence
He’s more a fox than a hedgehog. —Isaiah Berlin
Bookish, but not erudite. —The Discriminating Don
One flew over the cuckoo’s nest. —Jack Nicholson
Very risqué and quite funny for a man. —Mae West
Alluring cover, disappointing content. —Ex-girlfriend
The quintessence of quixotism. —Miguel Cervantes
The antithesis of dry, academic, and boring. —Kant
When I read his poetry, I just Howl. —Allen Ginsberg
Words have never been so cheap. —The Economist
So pithy my Poor Richard is envious. —Ben Franklin
Keep him away from your daughters. —Woody Allen
Finally. A writer with greater debts than me. —Balzac
And you all thought I was crazy. —Friedrich Nietzsche
Be careful not to overdose on this stuff. —Janis Joplin
The voice of a generation. Generation X. —Bob Dylan
Good, clean fun. —Ken Kesey & The Merry Pranksters
Surprisingly, it made me think a little. —Albert Einstein
I feel lucky to have discovered him. —Chris Columbus
Quite enlightened for such a benighted age. —Voltaire
A novel idea. Literature for the illiterate. —The Tagline
By the end, I was begging him to stop. —An Old Lover
This book shall spawn a new lexicon. —Samuel Johnson
JR is going to score the female vote. —Susan B. Anthony
Way too decentralized for my taste. —Alexander Hamilton
Not exactly an immaculate conception. —The Virgin Mary
The longest fucking jam session in history. —Jimi Hendrix
The best trip I’ve taken since the late 60s. —Timothy Leary
Just makes me want to get up and dance. —James Brown
An artistic encyclopedia brimming with life. —Denis Diderot
Could stir up another great awakening. —Jonathan Edwards
First-rate feeling from a second-rate mind. —Edmund Wilson
A beginner’s guide to thinking. —The Pre-School Intellectual
A few joints might improve your understanding. —Dr. Cannon
Enough material for a hundred movies. 8½ out of 10. —Fellini
A permanent resident on top of my toilet. —Charles Bukowski
All the bullshit that’s fit to print. —The Tongue-in-Cheek Times
What can I say? The boy’s got some Mommy issues. —Mother
If you don’t have a sense of humor, it ain’t funny. —Wavy Gravy
I taught him everything I know, and he’s still a dumb ass. —Dad
On the cusp between classicism and romanticism. —Beethoven
Irreverence got my career off to a notoriously hot start. —Lucifer
If ever a book deserved burning, this is the one. —G. Savonarola
A pretender by any other name is still a pretender. —Shakespeare
Word processing at its very best. Love the Helvetica! —Steve Jobs
If you’re a student of life, you should pick this book up. —Confucius
I cannot wait for the Braille version to hit the shelves. —Helen Keller
One would have to go to France to find a greater wag. —Oscar Wilde
I know it’s blasphemy, but it’s bigger than The Beatles. —John Lennon
Great. Just what the world needs. Another entertainer. —P.T. Barnum
Gives my Little Red Book a good run for the money. —Chairman Mao
Best thing to come out of the United States since sliced bread. —Stalin
A wit of the highest order. That is if you put dim before it. —Mark Twain
The biggest debut I’ve seen since the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll. —Ed Sullivan
As accessible as my work. Just a shade or two less colorful. —Dr. Seuss
This player has spent too much time alone in left field. —Abner Doubleday
He’s a cartoonist without any of the cumbersome pictures. —Charles Schulz
Detroit hasn’t produced something this good since the Model T. —Henry Ford
Screw Neal Cassady. I want to take this cat out On the Road. —Jack Kerouac
Ground-breaking work. A real landmark in free association. —Sigmund Freud
Possesses a generous sum of wisdom for a penniless gentile. —King Solomon
You’d have to ride the rails to find a truer piece of Americana. —Woody Guthrie
Jean Raymonde is first in the hearts of The Second Sex. —Simone de Beauvoir
I’d think twice before attaching my signature to this document. —John Hancock
I’m not sure my Pops could have produced something so unique. —Jesus Christ
He dropped so many bombs. I felt like I was in Dresden again. —Kurt Vonnegut
So fly, this guy, spitting dope lines from the 313 all the way to the 415. —Eminem
Sure to make the lowbrows beam and the highbrows frown. —Van Wyck Brooks
The greater the criticism, the greater the envy. —The Preemptive Counter-Attack
Certain to revolutionize the cut-and-paste method. —The Great Leap Backwards
Keep out of the reach of subjects. This rhetoric could lead to revolt. —Louis XVI
This court jester had me in such stitches I almost lost my head. —Marie Antoinette
I’m looking forward to dropping the needle on the soundtrack. —Martin Scorcese
An aphoristic album destined to go platinum many times over. —La Rochefoucauld
Seriously, I don’t know how he pulls off his act with a straight face. —Laurence Olivier
His thoughts aren’t very deep, considering how wide his influences are. —The Surveyor
It’ll be a cold day in Hades by the time this book reaches the classics section. —Homer
One of the few cases where I’d recommend government intervention. —Ronald Reagan
No one has made a more serious contribution to the vacuity of our times. —Andy Warhol
The first pop artist in history to release his greatest hits first. —Sir Alvin & the Straw Men
Another middle-class kid trying to market himself as a street-fighting man. —Mick Jagger
Quite an accomplishment for what began as a drug-induced dream. —Samuel Coleridge
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. —H.L. Mencken
Interesting use of the English language even if it is in a strange dialect. —Queen Elizabeth I
Perfect reading for a culture that is becoming increasingly bits and bytes. —Charles Babbage
Few writers have the immaturity to write their magnum opus at the age of thirty. —James Joyce
Semi-precious gems of thought culled from ordinary, everyday experience. —The Casual Observer
What a fool. This fella thinks he can build a long, successful career upon one-liners. —Henny Youngman
If you understand the point of this production, then you’re doing much better than the author. —Anonymous
Easy to pick up and enjoy while I’m standing on the street corner waiting for a john. —A Working Girl’s Opinion
You get the pleasure of reading the graffiti on the bathroom stalls without even having to go to the loo. —Benny Hill
If you’re short on attention, or unable to focus, this work will be exceedingly accessible. —The Young & The Restless
A typical Romantic. Blows it all in the spring. Then laments there’s no lead left in his pencil come winter. —Lord Byron
If l had known that I was going to father something like this, I would have kept my pants zipped up. —George Washington
You need to distinguish more clearly who you are and who you are spoofing. I’m going to quote you. —Joel Federman, Ph.D.
The secret sauce of any production is in the arrangement. And this is more arranged than an old-fashioned royal marriage. So saucy! —Sir George Martin
I heard it was a good read, but I didn’t get around to it. Everybody knows I have much bigger fish to fry. —Captain Ahab
I said that it was a good thing for an uneducated man to read a book of quotations, but I never meant to imply that he should write one. —Winston Churchill
Legal disclaimer: Only a few of the attributions here are the actual words of the person indicated. The rest are fictionalized accounts written by a ghostwriter who wishes to remain in the shadows of reflected glory.